Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Aria's February 3 clinic

February 3, 2009
Subject: Aria’s clinic today

This was by far one of the nicest clinic visits we've ever had. It was quiet, quiet, quiet there today and that is why it was so pleasant. There was no heart-ache and no real intensity. It was so nice to be able to breathe deeply and carry myself with a genuinely relaxed attitude.

Aria's ANC was 3350, which is still too high. We are dialing up her chemo a little and will re-check her counts on the 17th when she's scheduled for an exam and her big gun chemo. I was reassured once again that this is perfectly red concerns. I've accepted that despite the fact that I know this to be true I sometimes can't help myself from feeling anxious about it and needing reassurance. I've learned to assert myself and simply say, "I need some reassurance and I need to know that this is standard, routine stuff. I need to hear, yet again, that no little alarms are ringing in the background." When I hear the words, "This is all perfectly normal. This is to be expected. We have no concerns." I can't fully express in words my relief, although I'll try.

It is such a strange worry-relief cycle—the likes of which, I've ever known before. The imagery that comes to mind is being covered head to toe in caked-on sand and suddenly having warm water gently shower me clean. I can see the sand draining away and I sense immediately that I'm no longer preoccupied with gritty awareness. It is freedom.

Aria is feeling well. Her energy is high as are her spirits. She will be able attend school this week and we are planning to take the kids skiing this weekend once again. I am savoring this time of 'normal' even though I know it is only an illusion. Still, my sense of flexibility, groundedness and peace of mind is at its peak and again it feels like freedom.

My warm blessings to you as I extend my hands in peace. ~j

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