2 more weeks to go!!

May 20, 2009
Subject: 2 more weeks to go!!

Aria never ceases to amaze me! She has spent the last 2 weeks healing. She's been so content to be moved from one couch to another only wanting to lie there and rest. She hasn't wanted to color or paint or craft or even play with toys. Her spirits have nevertheless remained high. She has complained a few times about her cast 'not being fair' and just the other day she whimpered through her tears, "It's not fair that I have leukemia!" This is the first time anything like that has been expressed. I'll mention that I believe her but I also know that it is compounded by the fact that she's been on steroids. I'm certain it isn't the voice of steroids realizing just how unfair her hand of fate is but I'm quite convinced that it's been an influence. I sat with her on the bed while she cried and felt sorry for herself. I didn't tell her to stop crying. I also didn't mention that she was feeling sorry for herself. These are important things to do and to experience when they come up. So, I agreed with her. It isn't fair that she has a cast and has leukemia. It isn't but then again, what is? I didn't ask her that. Instead, I told her, "Aria, you are absolutely right. It isn't fair that you have leukemia and have to be stuck wearing that pretty cast!" She looked at me tearfully and gave a little sob. I continued, “But tell me, what do you want to do about it?" She stopped crying instantly and immediately gave me a, "huh?" She looked right into my eyes, searching. I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Yeah. I don't understand it but sometimes lots of things happen in life that just aren't fair. They aren't. So..... what should we do?" She was thoughtful and said with her old soul kind of seriousness, "I just don't know Mama." I told her, "I have an idea." Her eyes were wide glued to mine. "How about we just take it as it comes like warriors." Her eyes brightened and she squealed, "I'm a warrior!" to which I replied, "I know. You're an amazing warrior." "Hey Mama, "she said, "you're a warrior too!" I smiled and giggled and told her, "I am a warrior and I've become a smarter warrior because of you!" She groaned and giggled and flopped herself on the pillows, "Oh Mama! You're a poop!"

Last night Aria tested herself and her cast. She's been playing on the floor a little and scooting around some but hasn't wanted to venture very far. Last night with Doc around I don't know what happened but suddenly Aria was inspired. She was scooting all over the floor. She lifted herself onto the couch and figured out how to crawl down. She was playful and energetic and couldn't wait to show me how quick she could scamper dragging her casted leg. She asked me in a sort of 'under the table' kind of way, "Hey Mama, you think I could try going down the stairs?" I told her, "Absolutely! Come on!" She scooted to the stairs and a little fright came upon her. I sat down with her and said, "Come on, honey. I'll show you how. Just follow me!" Before I knew it she was right behind me coming down the stairs. This morning she has been up and down the stairs herself and scooting all over!

I tell you, I am convinced this is Doc's doing. He enables her to feel safe pushing the boundaries. Aria has no interest in trying these kinds of things with me. I'm the person she wants to hunker down with. Doc is someone she wants to play with and move with. She has a different sense of safety and security with him. I think this is extraordinary. I was thrilled to see this change in her. She's feeling more and more confident. I'm certain that if her counts are higher than 830 next Tuesday when we go in for labs that she'll be able to go to school for a few days. She's thrilled about showing off her cast to her friends. On June 3rd, we return to the orthopedic clinic and have her leg examined to see if it has healed enough for the boot cast and then she'll be practically as good as new!

All of us are experiencing a moment here of true wellness! We had a wonderful weekend at the lake. It was a short get away but it was a get away. Doc and I were able to have lengthy conversations. We were able to play on the beach. We all felt increasingly confident and ready to take ourselves out of our comfort zones a little. It was just lovely!

I feel like I have a wonderful stride going. I'm healthy. I'm strong. I'm vibrant and resilient. I thought I was on a survivor's path but I realize now that I'm not. I'm making one and it is the way of a warrior. ~j