Friday, May 22, 2009


Nearly a year into the journey, I was talking to Krista about a mother who was watching her daughter die. It was for me such a spiritually leveling thought that I could hardly breathe. Krista mentioned that often what happens to people at that stage of the journey is that they ‘have moments’ with their children that will sustain them after they have died. At the time, I remember thinking, “All she has is moments?” It was a heart-breaking thought to know that life was whittling away to just a few precious moments and I found myself both angered and awed by that idea.

Moments have become something I have considered a great deal since that December 2008 conversation with Krista. Moments have indeed become the very defining elements that offer meaning at any given time throughout my day. It’s tempting to give consideration to only those moments that feel good. I have learned, however, that even the hard moments offer invaluable lessons. So, I have been focused on creating a life that is filled with moments as well as moments that are filled with life.

I’ve been going through pictures and it seems so strange to have been savagely turned upside down in the course of a day, followed by weeks of trying to find footing in a new reality all the while having moments of real joy, beauty and bliss.

These moments are indeed sustaining. I look at these pictures and they are in a setting that is overflowing with sterility, stress, death, fear, and despair and despite all that, the spirit of delight shines through. I remember wondering if I was really feeling happy since I could barely feel in general. I thought perhaps I was going through the motions of exuberance in order to keep the kids’ spirits up. I look at these pictures now and realize that I had moments of true happiness with my family despite everything. These moments are cherished. They are, afterall, all we have and all that matters.

Aria playing with a beloved puppet that Krista brought for her.

Reo showing off his missing teeth!

Aria with 2 of her best friends: Amy and Bethany.

Aria receiving her FIRST dose of chemotherapy (vincristine). She was blissfully unaware and perfectly content watching a movie.

Doc and Aria having a playful snuggle.

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